In the shadows of trauma little girls play with the unknown. It is the return of the light in Spring collaborating with the darkness of winter that shadows appear. It is here when winter and spring meet to create the illusion of your past in the present in shadow form that your little girl get to play peek a boo and come out to see your face, their face and the faces of those that have betrayed them, lied to them, didn’t keep them safe and left them. It is in these shadows, shadows of illusion that they are finding safety. That which you don’t see wont hurt you. Little girls who are invisible in the shadows of the dark are not seen or heard but safe. It is in the return of the light of spring that they wonder when it will be safe to come out and play. For the past few days I have been tucked away in a hotel reading proposals of violence against humanity, violence against people of color, violence against lgbtq, violence against young black and latino men, young black, brown, latina women, children, violence against indigenous folk, violence and more violence. They are not talking about genocide or slavery or the colonization of the past. But violence, today, on this earth, everywhere. I am the only organization that, we are dying, there are no services, we are being raided, deported, sexually harassed at work, at home, in school. I am undocumented, years away from home, I don’t speak the language, I saw too much, I have lived too much and they took my healing on my way here.
All over the world but especially here in the United States the season change but the conversation is the same. Murder, rape, abuse of little girls in their most sacred spaces their homes, their native homes, their adopted homes, their home town, their home community, their sacred home their body, and their spiritual home. They are here with me as spring arises tomorrow, tucking at my skirt, peeking out of the bed, playing on the floor. She is here with me, my little girl wondering if it safe to come out and play. And I find myself every once in a while laughing at it all, cause it hurts too much to cry that funds are limited , that when I finish reading I don’t know what will happen to any of them. That If I let my little girl feel just for one second the loss of her own self, she will forever be lost to the shadows she has grown to play with. My sister told me to get down on my knees and pray for my heart to open and I did. I asked god to put to pass what he has put in my heart. To help me get out of my own way so I can quiet my mind and do the work I was sent here to do. Yet, it is the day before my re-birth this spring equinox 2014 (not my actual bday, but my spiritual rebirth that only this season gifts us) and I am catching my internal dialogue operating at a million. I’m not good enough, do you love me? I am stalking myself as I look for evidence in all the faces, all the looks, and all the conversations I am having that I don’ t belong, that there is something wrong with me. I find myself looking back for the validation of old relationships lost and hearts broken. Questioning why, those people are not here?, why did they leave me?. What did I do wrong and for how long will they punish me better yet how long will I punish myself for being a little girl vulnerable to violence on this earth?
My little is yearning for love and looking for it in all the wrong places. Its like a drug these fucking negative thoughts. To detox from them is to hold myself very still and just go through the motions, the tears, the fear of not knowing tomorrow for me or them. All those people writing for their lives. Undoing the thoughts moment to moment, not getting caught up, not picking up the phone, not texting, not looking back, not entertaining the possibility of being worthless and invisible.
Listen, little girl we are not doing this shit this spring, we are whole perfect and complete. We are loved and well for those people not here with us today, its there loss cause we turned out to be fantabulous. This here is just the beginning of the rest of our lives! There is a reason we are reading these testimonials this week right before spring. And its to remember that we are here for a purpose bigger than our past, bigger than ourselves. We cant let our individuality or ego get caught up in what happened to us , there are bigger things going on in the world and our re-birth is to create who we want to be in it all and what seeds of possibility are we creating for other little girls. So, stop hiding behind me, making me wrong for everything I do, making every space I walk into unsafe and every person I love un-loveable. I am 38 and I am going out to play. Not with shadows but with people and I can discern who they are and what is it that I want to create with them. I will keep us safe!