Shades of BLUE! Deep in thought and peaceful at SEA…

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In shades of blue I welcome 2014. Shoulders bare inviting the sun to kiss and touch me. Infuse my finger tips with it power so I can write again, let my life burn through pages making my words come to life.

In shades of blue I’m dancing through 2014. Moving like waves in and out of my own skin. Weaving baskets I can put my fears in. Finding rhythms in my own pulse. Like when my mother grabs my wrists with her hands and uses her index finger to find my pulse and see if I have a fever. I am assuming that for a minute she counts the beats of my pulse and some how determines my temperature and if I have a fever or not. I never did bother to ask. Instead I decided that this is one tradition I rather think is magic then a medicinal tool I want to learn. I love watching her do it to my children and friends when they are in my house. My little girl is like ooh look at what my mother can do, it’s magic! It’s when I’m most proud of being a Dominicana, Arawak, Taina, indigenous, African, French, Spaniard mix of pure magic!

At least that’s what they told me on the tour bus I decided to go on this trip. They said Dominicans are made of this lovely colonized , enslaved mix of races. the  tour bus was Like the ones I hate that come through Harlem and the South Bronx looking at the people like they were animals in a zoo. God I hate those yet here I was going through my own community with people looking at me with the same eyes of distrust and disgust as their children ran along the bus waiting for the “gringos” to throw them some money or candy. I asked the tour guide why they were running and he said that in the past the white people would throw the kids candy and it has now become a tradition. I thought that’s stupid why would anyone want to throw, throw, candy at children?

Instead I thought, I am surrounded by shades of blue, a vast blue sky where my father now lives and a deep blue ocean my mother wants to be buried in. She says she wants to be cremated and then thrown in the ocean between the Dominican Republic and Cuba where her father was born. I think about all the people that would be mad if I didn’t have a traditional funeral and burial for her.

In shades of blue, I swim in a sea of contradictions. One minute I feel at peace in the unknown and the other minute I am angry at feeling like I have lost all sense of self such that I don’t even know what my next steps will be. One minute I am in love with the darkness that winter brings and honestly just want to go deep in it. I wish for sleepless nights where I drown in my biggest fears, I ask for lonely nights where I cry into my pillows as if my greatest love has died. One minute I want embrace and never let go of my children and the next I want to push them into their lovers arms so they can start their own journeys and send me postcards from their travels. One minute I want to sit my mother down and tell her I totally understand and the next I want to get burying her over with so I can start my life.

I would go find my biological mother and spend some time with her. I would bring her to the beach and let her spend her last days in total bliss or maybe I will just die cause sometimes I feel like I can’t do this life without my adopted mother. Somewhere between New York and the Dominican Republic I lost something I can’t name but know it’s missing, kind of like a puzzle that has lost a piece but you can still see the picture or like a suitcase that feels lighter like someone took something out but no matter how many times you go over your belongings everything seems to be intact .

Somewhere between VONA and today I stopped writing, I think having to go back was more painful than finishing the book. Sometimes I trust the universe, I get of the way and in those moments I know everything will be okay and then I think about New York and going back and I think about DR and staying here and I feel homeless this uneasiness inside of me of belonging to nowhere.

In shades of blue I have survived. I totally have survived this world called my life by understanding everyone in it. I understand why my mother left, I understand why my men abused me, I understand why my dad raised a prostitute not a young girl, I understand why my adopted mother is so angry at life just a plain bitch at times, I even understand why I had two children so early in my life, and more importantly I totally understand my lack of integrity and why I tolerate everyone’s ones else lack of word. Understanding has protected me all this time, if I understood I didn’t have to feel, nothing hurt, , my brain could totally control it all, I even understand all this shit that I just wrote. Lmaof…. Funny, this all is , irrelevant even once I let the tears fall and let the other half of my body feel. I think none of it matters if I don’t put it on paper and write it. And then I want to go into the ocean, just take one last dip and one last cry to ask the water to cleanse me of my tears, walk away and never look back. I tried it a couple of times during this trip. I went to the ocean asked for it to hold my tears, declared and restored, walked away thinking this is the last time, no more tears. But they came down harder instead. Like the clouds hold water and you can almost predict it’s going to rain when the sky turns grey, my body knew that the healing the ocean was giving wasn’t to stop the tears all together, instead, it was clearing a path for the rains to come down on me.

So, In shades of blue this winter, I sat in silence, watched the sun rise, walked on the beach, picked up seashells, lit candles in the cemetery, she’d tears on graves. On most days I was in gratitude for it all, for living you know. But on those days that I dreamed of being lost in love, of growing old with someone, of dancing the night away and then making love under the stars I get angry at the fears that hold it all back. Instead I gave it all up, I broke up with a long lost love, I played with my children we went on excursions,  jumped off water falls , swam in rivers, drove up mountains to find treasure, was a tour guide, read three books, going on book four and  I took the kids to clubs that made my head hurt. But I managed to take pictures everyday to capture the sweetest moments that my complaining would not let me see.

In shades of blue I embraced the first moments of 2014 knowing that the tears are always about the past, in the current moment I am at peace, you know the peace you feel after the chaos of a funeral when everyone is finally accepting that the person is gone. It’s a scary feeling but a surrender sense of peace where you are somewhere between the memory of when they where here and the rush of starting life without them like let’s do this, bring it on universe lets go on and see how to do this life without them. I feel like that sometimes. More like in waves, never quite catching my breathe before the next one hits.

Deep in thought and peaceful at sea I wear shades of blue through the dark tunnel of winter knowing OSHUN is holding one hand and Yemaya the other. I am never alone even if and especially when you don’t see anyone next to me.

In bold rebirth
Dee

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