You know sometimes I just feel like ranting and raving about spirit and spirituality and healing and God and the universe , the goddess mother earth and all the ways I get triggered when i get that email from a long lost friend or an ex or whomever that wants to complete or make amends but really just need to be heard and seen and take of up yet some more space in the name of being enlightened or on a healing spiritual journey that this time we should all trust and take their word that they are changing. You know that letter that ends with i’m sending you peace, love and light when its really 3 pages of the same shit your heard before, i blame you, i blame you and I blame you but I am affirming I will never be the person you can do that to again and im creating the possibility of blah blah blah.
Really, this rant and rave is on behalf of and for all the namaste, ache, Ayibobo, love and light in disguise letters and phone calls that I, we, receive pretending to be completions or amends or some form of self accountability with absolutely no hint of impact , relatedness, integrity, generosity or getting over here with me to ask how am I?
GET OVER HERE WITH ME and stop making this still ALL ABOUT YOU!
Completion and amends is much more than that, it is about restoring integrity for all the times you didn’t keep your word, for promising, for dreaming, for not showing up, for enrolling people into your life, for loosing love and affinity and acknowledging that. Its about seeing people, really seeing people, face to face. Text and emails are not communication, it is a cop out !. Its about being vulnerable and compassionate. Its about going back and looking at the story you created about the person and how you have lived into making them wrong which means that you gossiped about them in your own mind and out in the word and you found evidence time and time again for why you don’t love them anymore or don’t like them or are not their friend anymore. Its about going back and restoring your integrity every time you initiated or participated in creating this person as someone who is bad and wrong and is out to get you, GOSSIPING DESTROYS PEOPLE, RELATIONSHIPS AND MOVEMENTS. and even if your not the one speaking if your are sitting and hearing and conspiring and giving more evidence by being silent then you my dear are gossiping and that has impact!
Completion is about going back and CLEANING THAT UP! Its about coming clean and telling the person all you have said and done and to who and cleaning, clearing and completing time and time again , no matter how many times it takes. It not about you just writing a letter or making a call but truly honestly looking at yourself and looking back at the line of people you have enrolled in your shit and impacted on your journey of self destruction and lies and manipulations and completing with them and telling the truth.
Cause right now, you are like that perpetrator that is mandated to go to DV trainings or anger management, the transformed enlighented abuser that does yoga and drinks smoothies and meditates but still preys on little girls and women and children except that this time he has tools to manipulate and continue to survive and fix and change others to get what they want in the name of forgiveness! PLEASE!
Trauma and internalized oppression are the most deadliest weapons this world has created and we have developed, hell mastered ways of surviving that hurt people, we have mastered patterns and ways of being that keeps you isolated from people that love you,. Hell, keep you isolated from love. Tell me what you are producing and I will tell you what you are still committed to. You see transformation doesn’t happen cause you go on a journey with yourself, healing happens in community, a community that can hold you to account when you show up like an asshole. Forgiveness doesn’t come cause you wrote a letter and pretended to know the impact or reminisce about what we once were , it happens because you have forgiven yourself and have created a system , a community that keeps you to your word when you say your are transformed but still show up the same way.
See, What you loose in your letters and emails is that while you were out making me wrong or buy being right , protecting or defending yourself is that you missed out on my life, you weren’t there like you promised, your words created me out there in such a way that now no one has the opportunity to meet me, instead who they know is this twisted version of me from what I did to you. Your are making amends but there is no commitment to be in my life, possibility doesnt live here, we didnt create anything, i still wont see you tomorrow, you will still be too busy or holding on to resentment or maybe we just wont roll like that no more. Your letter changes nothing out here instead it is instant gratification for you so you can now walk around being righteous for yet another thing you did.
You know we go to all these trainings, rituals, circles, communication, self healing workshops and read books and create workshops and become healers and practitioners and coaches without any level of awareness of the impact that our behavior and ways of being have had on other people or the trail of hurt and pain left in people for your lack of integrity. CLEAN THAT UP FIRST! All you have done along the way is collect a bunch of “health and wellness” tools that you will continue to use to manipulate to get what you want.
PLEASE DONT SEND ME ANY LOVE AND LIGHT, I didn’t ask for it, i don’t need it, that is the most condescending shit ever. Especially when you are off still creating gossip or living your life powerfully. DON’T PUT ME ON YOUR ALTAR I AM NOT DEAD!
It has become the norm to write affirmations on our face book walls or write each other letters of completion or calls to make amends and we start these self love challenges and from the outside, the world thinks we have changed but we haven’t at all. Nothing changes because you still don’t see yourself and you def don’t see me.
So please, let me do us both the favor. How about i apologize for letting you think, for giving you permission to think that a letter would be sufficient to get back into my life, cause way back when it was, that is all we had to do, do something, hurt each other and then send a letter and go about our business pretending to still be in love or friends or whatever in the name of healing and sisterhood and community and political unity. I am so sorry that were i was way back when was so busy looking good or being in fear that I would loose what was already lost which was our love that I made excuses for you and me to continue to show up in our relationship with absolutely no integrity and accountability. I was more committed to you than I was to myself and who I wanted to be in the world because I couldn’t bare doing this world alone so I would rather be with people who didn’t keep their word to create with me than to keep my word to myself. It was easier loving you than to love myself. It was easier to write this letter to you when it really is a letter to myself!
Cleaning, Clearing, Completing
In forgiveness, love , peace and light
P.S This is the last letter i write ending with love, peace and light. LMOAF