Saying Goodbye to 2012 bitter sweet and transformational,
To say goodbye to 2012 is bittersweet. So many things started but never finished, anticipations never bought forth, expectations never met, passions never felt, hearts broken, lost love. And yet the best year of my life! Who ever said self love was easy lied. But damn when you get it and you become it self love is necessary for the sustainability of the spirit and the soul and ultimately humanity and yes even for ending global warming and war!
Yesterday I lit a candle in gratitude for being alive. We have been tested this year, war abroad, wars at home with family and children, natural disasters all over the world and still we push on. So I am in gratitude for
- living anyway
- loving anyway
- trusting anyway
- building anyway
- creating anyway
I gave birth to myself in 2012 and that meant letting go of all of it, people, places and things. Most importantly I let go of myself as I was. Some things where easier than others, some I am still completing with. I embarked on a one year training that ends in Feb 2013. It was the lowest point of my life, I looked around and I had created my biggest fear come true being all alone. So, I did it, jumped into a transformational life training where I would be unrecognizable even to myself by the end of the year. The Team Management and Leadership Training Program at Landmark Education. In this space I have found love and affinity, access to my power and the power I have to create. I remember sitting in the first course and saying fuck love. I don’t care who loves me or not, where I lost love or that it is missing from my life. 12 hours gone by and I was upset at life itself. I didn’t realize that in this space I would go back to the moment and find the “land mark” of where I lost love. I didn’t know that joining this team of 40 people meant that they would help me retrace my steps and reclaim love no matter how hard it was. For reclaiming love meant finding my self.
10 months later in this place I find peace and ease. Not the peace that last a moment but the one that keeps me alive and self expressed that I can access at anytime. The one that helps me create peace with everyone out there. I became peace.
2012 I found self love. Not sure if you ever find that but definitely became that. What that looked like was keeping my word to myself, putting myself first, creating my business, creating health and wellbeing, creating action plans and keeping them. Giving things up that no longer served me, forgiving myself and others, taking responsibility for the life I had created, being intentional about what I am doing, not having sex,intentionally abstaining to build my power to reconnect with myself, to stop using sex as a survival tool as a form of sabotaging. I accepted myself and others as I am, there is nothing wrong with me and you, I don’t need to fix myself or survive my life cause I am whole perfect and complete. I created team in every area of my life and I acknowledged myself day in and day out for getting up and doing it anyway.
2012 saw my tears and my heartbreak. It cracked open my pain and laid it out in the open. Since then I have sat and dissected. Dissected my thoughts…
no body loves me, I am not wanted I am invisible, I am not enough, if I disappear no body will notice. If my mother left me of course others will, if men can take my body why not give it away, loving women and finding my mother…
Dissected my identity…
Abandoned, child sexual abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, abortions, oppressor, oppressed, violence within, violence without, teen mom, born in a brothel, father died way too soon.
Dissected to get to the source of my being…and there she was this little girl upset, alone, afraid, paralyzed at the core. Disappointed upset at her mother. Finger stuck pointing out to everyone who loved her, it was always their fault. Time pushing her to grow up but she, stuck in time, voiceless, heartless, waiting for someone to rescue her but never wanting to be seen because she couldn’t be with anyone leaving her again.
2012 I found freedom, liberation at the core. I prayed, I created possibilities that I could live into, I no longer needed a life vest these possibilities sustained my existence. 3 months at a time I created action plans, milestones and team. But i never did get to the team part for I had decided too long before that I would never be a part of a team again, that I would never lead a team again. That I would do this world alone! but they stood for me anyway
and I created the possibility of being
1. bold legacy, bold integrity, delicious love and endless opportunities.
2. an explosion of self expression, free global leader and unimaginable courage.
3. bieng the source of women liberated, awakened voice creating an unrecognizable future and falling deeply in love with myself.
4. Bold action, awakened humanity and radical sustainability.
With these in place I found the opportunity in every situation to be in action, to complete a project. For every moment I wanted to be upset, resentful, blaming or judging I took the opportunity to get related to myself , the person, and even related to the feeling so I could move on. I forgave and gave things up…moment to moment
In 2012 I stood in my power with women all over the US. http://spiritinaction.net/standing-in-our-power-siop/
In 2012 I found my pulse, no one spoke for me, I spoke for myself and with women all over the world. http://worldpulse.com/user/6482
In 2012 I sing songs of liberation towards reproductive justice with my sisters. http://www.sistersong.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=26&Itemid=29
2012 I acknowledge you for facing your fear with courage, for getting to the heart of the matter, for breaking down and breaking up, for standing, for never letting me give up, for showing me a different world, for my children in college, for my mothers unconditional support, for sisterhood, for community, for the lessoned learned, for the abundance in an economic crisis, for safety during the storm, for never letting me walk alone, for prayers, for my ancestors, for spirit, for food, for sparing me so I could be here another day another year, for healing, for completions, for communication, for love, for all the acknowledgement you gave me through people, for seeing me, for listening to me as nothing less than a big person with a big life, as a powerful womyn, as a warrior spirit as a timeless healer.
In 2012 I planted seeds for womyn and the LBTQ community on this planet. I cleared paths so as team we can
1. powerfully live into our future, birthing sustainable families and organizations and leading a new world.
2. build a global cooperative movement of communication transforming humanity, generating abundant miracles, bold leadership and dreams fulfilled.
3. be masters of love, speaking the unspeakable, altering the lives of everyone in this planet into an unrecognizable world and standing in a future fulfilled.
Today I complete with anything that will get in my way known and unknown. Today I forgive my little girl and all the adults who knew better, I delete any thoughts running through my head that is not for my greatest good, I cancel all karmic credit cards and pay my Karmic debts.
Today I accept 2012 for all that it was and wasn’t. I declare 2012 CLEARED, COMPLETE and RESTORED.
2013 I am birthing CREATIVE Gratitude… As 2012 leaves me thinking about why I have a herniated disk right before the year end, I lay here in gratitude for the time to stop and listen. I will use this time to tap into my creative expression this winter. 2013 is an opportunity to strengthen my spiritual core and reclaim every area in which I have felt powerless. 2012 I leave behind lies, abuse, secrets, codependency, fear of speaking up for myself and others. 2013 I reclaim my center, my power, my voice. It is in the solar plex that CREATIVITY lives, it is here that my light lives. The strength of my solar plex determines the strength in which I will face my fears with courage as I bump into them in the dark of winter. This winter I use my voice to be creative, I speak my truth and there is clear communication that comes from the heart. I hear and speak the truth, I express myself with clear intention, Creativity flows in and through me, my voice is necessary for healing on this planet. May the universe restore my body back to its natural state. In 7 shades of black and blue I dress to go back into the womb which created me. I activate yemaya, the element of water to hold me as I dream in rainbow colors and manifest my REBIRTH speaking the language of the spirits!
Holding your hand in the dark! SEE YOU at our rebirth next SPRING!
In Bold Rebirth